London Terrace Dog Policy - revised
One of my neighbors who shall remain nameless at her request, wrote some revisions and additions to the new Dog Policy distributed to residents of London Terrace yesterday.
Rose Associates dog policy revised:
All dog owners must speak English. And all dogs must be trained to understand English. Dogs who do not understand English will not be permitted in the building.
Dogs are NOT allowed to stop at any of the doorman stations, concierge, dry cleaners, or mailroom. If your dog drags you to these locations, or stops short, doorman have been instructed to administer a short sharp shock with a very mild stun gun. This will not result in any harm to your pet, and it will teach them a valuable lesson.
Doorman have been instructed to halt the administering of dog treats or biscuits of any kind and doorman shall not harbor any such treats in their pockets. In order to ensure that this rule is followed, doormen have been instructed to bring all of their
uniforms to the dry cleaner so their pockets may be sewed closed.
All dogs must be trained to use an indoor voice. A certificate of training and graduation from the course "Shut the Fuck Up!" is required. Please sign up for this class in the management office with Ellen Grubby-Hornet (212 243 7000). As an alternative to this required class, an owner may choose instead to have the dog's vocal cords cut. A certificate exhibiting that this procedure has been done by a certified Veterinarian will be required to be filed with the management office. A yearly review of this certification will be required.
All dogs must be groomed once a month and and must have their nails trimmed and buffed to ensure our beautiful lobby and apartment floors are not marked or scratched. Please provide a copy of the receipt from the groomer to the management office each month (along with your rent check)to show that these services have been performed. If you prefer to have this service performed by the London Terrace dry cleaner, this can be arranged and automatically added onto your rent bill
each month. Please inquire at the management office for this special program.
Although dogs are are not permitted in any public areas of the building, including laundry rooms, gardens or roof terraces, rodents and vermin of any kind; and all insects with less than 200 legs and weighing less than 4oz. are permitted.
It is recommended that all dogs see a dog nutritionist who will provide a diet that results in perfectly shaped feces to allow for easy pick-up. A brochure is available in the management office. Please stop by and pick one up (but please don't bring your dog, sorry).
Your dog will be required to be participate in a "weigh-in" once a month to ensure they do not exceed 25lbs. If they exceed 25lbs, you will be given 2 months to "minimize" your dog. If slimming is not successful, eviction proceedings will be begin immediately and without hesitation.
Pregnant dogs are not allowed (at any time, for any reason) in our buildings.
Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated. Pets have been a grand tradition here at London Terrace Gardens since 1929, but personally I would rather not see them or hear them. Ridding London Terrace Gardens of all these creatures (and the people who love them) will be just be a part of my glorious legacy.