Saturday, April 05, 2008

Et tu, Bill Cunningham?

If a picture's worth a thousand words, then why, oh, why does the Times insist on doing these god-awful "audio slide shows?" I can barely stand to read the articles, what with the sloppy writing and editing and typos all over the place (of course, I'm talking about the online edition. I wouldn't blacken my fingers with the actual paper copy), what makes them think that I want to hear their reporters uh-ing and um-img their way through a story?

Saturday mornings I rush to the Fashion and Style section to see Bill Cunningham's "On the Street" column, a collection of photos of whatever fashion trend he's seen a lot of in the past week. Now they've fouled that up by turning it into a "multimedia feature," having Mr. Cunningham narrate the slide show. It's a slide show! I want to see the pictures, and I don't need someone, not even Bill Cunningham, who I love, telling me that what I'm looking at are weird and really unflattering pants.

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Thursday, April 03, 2008

London Terrace Dog Policy - revised

One of my neighbors who shall remain nameless at her request, wrote some revisions and additions to the new Dog Policy distributed to residents of London Terrace yesterday.


Rose Associates dog policy revised:

All dog owners must speak English. And all dogs must be trained to understand English. Dogs who do not understand English will not be permitted in the building.

Dogs are NOT allowed to stop at any of the doorman stations, concierge, dry cleaners, or mailroom. If your dog drags you to these locations, or stops short, doorman have been instructed to administer a short sharp shock with a very mild stun gun. This will not result in any harm to your pet, and it will teach them a valuable lesson.

Doorman have been instructed to halt the administering of dog treats or biscuits of any kind and doorman shall not harbor any such treats in their pockets. In order to ensure that this rule is followed, doormen have been instructed to bring all of their
uniforms to the dry cleaner so their pockets may be sewed closed.

All dogs must be trained to use an indoor voice. A certificate of training and graduation from the course "Shut the Fuck Up!" is required. Please sign up for this class in the management office with Ellen Grubby-Hornet (212 243 7000). As an alternative to this required class, an owner may choose instead to have the dog's vocal cords cut. A certificate exhibiting that this procedure has been done by a certified Veterinarian will be required to be filed with the management office. A yearly review of this certification will be required.

All dogs must be groomed once a month and and must have their nails trimmed and buffed to ensure our beautiful lobby and apartment floors are not marked or scratched. Please provide a copy of the receipt from the groomer to the management office each month (along with your rent check)to show that these services have been performed. If you prefer to have this service performed by the London Terrace dry cleaner, this can be arranged and automatically added onto your rent bill
each month. Please inquire at the management office for this special program.

Although dogs are are not permitted in any public areas of the building, including laundry rooms, gardens or roof terraces, rodents and vermin of any kind; and all insects with less than 200 legs and weighing less than 4oz. are permitted.

It is recommended that all dogs see a dog nutritionist who will provide a diet that results in perfectly shaped feces to allow for easy pick-up. A brochure is available in the management office. Please stop by and pick one up (but please don't bring your dog, sorry).

Your dog will be required to be participate in a "weigh-in" once a month to ensure they do not exceed 25lbs. If they exceed 25lbs, you will be given 2 months to "minimize" your dog. If slimming is not successful, eviction proceedings will be begin immediately and without hesitation.

Pregnant dogs are not allowed (at any time, for any reason) in our buildings.

Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated. Pets have been a grand tradition here at London Terrace Gardens since 1929, but personally I would rather not see them or hear them. Ridding London Terrace Gardens of all these creatures (and the people who love them) will be just be a part of my glorious legacy.

Ellen Grubby-Hornet

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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Rose Associates says: Get along, little doggies!

Came home today to find this posted in the lobby and under our door:

In case you can't read it, it basically says it's a "friendly reminder" of the rules and policies on dogs. I read it as Rose trying to get people out however they can, now by "enforcing" the dog rules and ordering offending parties to move or live in LTG sans canine companion.

Here's the short version of the rules:

Dogs have to be carried or on a short leash in public areas (what do they consider short?)
Owners must control their pets so they don't "jump on" or act threatening (what do they consider threatening?)toward another tenant.
Dogs are not allowed in any public areas unless going to or from their apartments, esp. the laundry room or courtyard (I always take Tony to the laundry room, what's the big deal? It's not like he pees on the floor, and he's even killed a roach or two. They should be happy for the help, they need it, if you get my drift).
And "most important of all" we are required to "curb and promptly clean up after" our dogs. (Well, no shit. Literally. I have walked out in the morning to a veritable mine field of dog poo and wondered who on earth is leaving it. I mean, the size of some of these turds makes you wonder what else the owner didn't notice.)

Yes, these are all fairly common sense policies, but just the fact that they came from Rose makes me suspicious. This is the company that threw out all of our doormats. It's also the company that erected a "sidewalk bridge" around the whole building cause they don't have the money to fix the falling bricks. And that's the same company that took six months to repair the entrance at 420.

It also sounds all kinds of illegal to "revoke permission" to keep a dog in a building that allows pets, but hey, I'm just a little ol' dog owner who's disappointed that I will no longer have the company of my canine while folding laundry.

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